Monday, April 9, 2007
Am I A Good Mother?...
Tonight I can't seem to stop asking myself that question. I love him so much it literally hurts. I would do anything for him. (I now understand why Doug's mom was so persistent in giving him her kidney). Yet it seems that since I've gone back to work and I'm not his primary caregiver, his life is out of whack and no matter what I do, I can't get it straightened out again. I made the decision before I went back to work to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. Since then we've been dealing with excessive spitting up, gas, adding cereal, switching formulas, etc. And now we've added constipation in the mix. His naps are becoming nonexistent in the afternoons and its getting harder and harder to get him to bed on time at night. I don't blame any of the other caregivers that help Doug and I out during the week. Believe me, Doug and I are truly blessed to have so many wonderful people willing to take care of him once a week. And I know I shouldn't blame myself, but as his mother, I feel like I'm to blame somehow. Tonight I considered starting breastfeeding again (don't ask me how, since my milk has already dried up). I thought that maybe that would ease the problems somehow. Or maybe I should just stay home from work. But Doug and Garrett need insurance. I feel so guilty that I can't make everything perfect for him, even though deep down I know I can't possibly make everything perfect. So how do I fix this? What do I do? My dad says, "Don't worry about it". No offense Dad, but never tell a mother not to worry, even if you mean well. I worry a lot about how much sleep he's getting. A book that my pediatrician recommended, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Weisbluth, says that clinical studies had shown that children with poor sleep habits and are chronically overtired grow up to be anxious, depressed adults. Children that get more sleep on a daily basis also are better in school and learning than children that are chronically overtired. After reading that how my child learns to sleep now will affect his life as an adult, I'm very protective of his sleep, and I want him to get an adequate amount of sleep every day. If I have to work at 12pm, I can get him to take a good 2-3 hour nap in the morning with no problem. But lately he's been fighting his afternoon naps. He'll go down for about an hour then wake up... no matter how many times you may do this during the day. And now we're having a hard time getting him to go to bed and stay asleep for the night. He normally sleeps about 12 hours at night, and sleeps through the night every night. I know that most moms reading this are saying "At 3 months, you're lucky". But at 3 months, just sleeping 12 hours at night and 2-3 hours in the morning probably isn't enough. If anyone has a suggestion, a story, or even a joke to make me laugh about how overprotective I'm being, I'd appreciate it. I just want my son to be happy and healthy and well rested.
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2 comments:
Oh dear friend Krysia! I can so resonate with your feelings of frustration and even desperation! Although our sleep situation was different, I felt like for a few months there I didn't think about anything but Carolyn's sleep! Trying desperately to get her to get enough sleep kind of took over my life for awhile.
I don't really have any advice for you except not to doubt yourself. You are the mother that God wanted Garrett to have and as much as you might not feel you deserve such a wonderful gift as your son is (I know I feel that way about Carolyn a lot)- you are the best person for the job because He chose you! I think some of the best, most balanced advice I've had so far was when someone told me that as long as what you are doing for your child is really in love and concern for their best interest, it's really tough to go wrong.
Don't feel guilty about working or stopping breast feeding; you made your decisions with Garrett's and your family's very best interests at heart. It might take him some time to settle down and adjust to all the changes in his life- in addition to the changes occurring every day in his own little self as he grows and develops. One of the books I read said that around 4 months is a very important "touch point" in development and that at these "touch points" there are very often sleep disturbances.
Don't beat yourself up over his sleep difficulties. It's not your fault; I know that in our case, I have often felt that when Carolyn has trouble sleeping that somehow I could have changed it or made it better. It's a lot easier for me when I can recognize that I do control many aspects of Carolyn's life at this point, but that she still has the free will to choose how she responds to the environment she's given; if she doesn't sleep at night, it is Not my fault.
I do hope things get better for you and that Garrett begins to settle into a more organized sleep pattern soon. I know this was long but I want you to know I care about you! We'll be keeping you guys in our prayers.
Love,
EB
PS: If you want to hear what people said to me when I posted a cry for help on my blog in December last year, go to this link: http://babyirving.blogspot.com/2006/12/advice-or-sympathy-please.html
I know you don't know me, but I've met your little boy (adorable!). I am one of EB and Carolyn's friends who gets to spend time with them on Fridays.
Don't feel guilty about anything as a mom! Much easier said than done, I realize this. But there is always something to worry about (have you read EB's latest post about eating sliding door grease or my post about my fearless son that will land us in the ER probably before his first birthday).
I agree with you that sleep is such a precious thing, but babies are resilient and they will survive despite our best intentions. Sometimes that is more evident than others! Your sleep is probably what is more important right now, Garrett will eventually settle into his own routine and you will adapt. Give it time, as hard as that is and you will figure out what he needs most.
Sometimes I think that all of those books should be burned! There is always one that says your child is not normal because they are not meeting some milestone like reading a book by their first year! They need to be taken with a grain of salt, like EB said, you were meant to be Garrett's mom and you know what is best for him. Some author who wrote a book that thinks they know it all is not with that precious little boy learning about him, you are! Follow your instincts and things will fall in line. Just be patient as hard as that is to hear!
Christi
P.S. If you ever get a Friday off, you're welcome to join our little support group. :)
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